Confessions of a Horny Teenager

A high school swimmer needs has to overcome his obsession with sex (or lack of it) in order to succeed personally and athletically. With the help of his friends and a psychiatrist, he tries to find his sexual identity on his journey to winning a swimming scholarship at an upper crust school.

Shy high school senior MARTY MALLOY was 1986’s top swimmer in the region. Straight 'A' student. Multiple scholarships looming. But a big problem has sprung up. A problem so rare, it only affects male teenagers.

Sitting on the sideline, Marty watches the girl swim team competing. He becomes fixated staring as CYNTHIA, everyone’s dream girl, releases the pressure of the elastic that clamps around her thigh, almost exposing herself. She catches him gawking and drags him to an isolated area. Instead of chastising him, she seduces him. As he is about to explode, the starting gun fires; waking him from a daydream.

Those recurring fantasies have become a major disruption to Marty. His preoccupation with his budding sexuality is hindering his academic, social and athletic life. His grade-point average dropped from "4.0" to "3.2” and is on the downswing. His chance of becoming a drop out is growing faster than the bulge in his Speedos.

Concerned about Marty’s lack of concentration, Coach reminds him that a scout from Cambridge will be attending the finals. Marty needs to get his act together.

Marty hopes to take care of his problem ata party this weekend. At the booze and pot fest, Mart’s best friend FLIP encourages him to ask Cynthia to dance. To Marty’s excuse of “I don’t know how to dance”; Flip replies “No guys do, but it’s a great opportunity to grope a girl’s ass”. Marty’s attempt is sidelined by a public mocking from football player BOB.

The next day, Marty and school newcomer Tyrese hang out in Marty’s room, comparing skateboards. In the hallway, Marty’s Mother overhears selected sentences. From her vantage it seems that they are comparing their members and talking about a homosexual liaison - causing her much concern.

Marty’s 11-year-old brother, JON, discovers girl’s panties in Marty’s nightstand and tries them on. Mrs. Malloy walks in on Jon’s panty dance. When she finds out they belong to Marty, she wants to put a stop to Mart’s sexual proclivities; prompting a visit to a psychiatrist to deal with the “problem”.

Marty makes it very clear to DR. WHEELER that he’s force to come to the therapy, but it’ll be a wast of time. He’s “just horny”. Flip suggests a double date to the drive-in and coaxes Marty to ask Cynthia out.

At Archie’s Arcade, where Cynthia works, Marty gets the guts to talk to her. She teaches him how to play pool. Standing behind him, Cynthia shows him how to hold the cue stick and slide it in and out of his fingers. “In… and out…. in… and out”. Her warm breath makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up. She then rips his clothes off and gives him oral sex. Oops. Another fantasy.

To help his pathetic friend, Flip sets up a “sure thing” for Marty. At the Drive-In Theater, Flip strikes out with his prude date, while Marty’s sexually aggressive date, LORRAINE, is anxious to get it on. But when Marty discovers that the condom hidden in his wallet is missing, he goes to the bathroom to buy on

His simple purchase turns into a series of encounters with adults from his church; including Father O’Connor who “expects to see him in confession on Friday”. When he finally returns to the car with a condom, he is disheartened to find Flip and Lorraine having sex.

To help Marty with his problem, Randy presents him with a sex toy – Betty B.J. When the machine malfunctions, they end up in a “stuck” situation, only to be caught by Marty’s brother, Jon.

As an olive branch, Flip sets up a date between Marty and Cynthia. But, before the date can take place, Marty is grounded for involving being a pervert.

Why is Marty labeled a pervert? Can Marty overcome his distractions before the championships? Will he ever get his dream girl? And why is he a bloody mess laying at the base of a toilet? These answers and hundreds of laugh-out moments can be found in the script.

Script Excerpt
Written by:
In the Vein Of:
American Pie

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